I've been thinking a lot about weddings lately. No, I don't have any prospects, and for all I know I'll never get married (you know, it takes two people to do that kind of thing, and for now I'm only one). However, my host brother is getting married tomorrow and so I started thinking about who I would invite to my very hypothetical wedding.
Of course I imagined who I would invite if I got married here in Chile, then I imagined about who I would invited if I got married in the US. Then I imagined who I would invite if all of my friends and family were millionaires and could travel wherever. It's a daydream, I'm allowed to do that kind of thing.
But, back to the Chile wedding fantasy. If I got married here, I would definitely invite my host brother and his soon-to-be wife. Out of everyone in my host family, I'm probably the least close with him, but I still consider him to be family in many ways.
So here's the catch. I wasn't invited to his wedding. I went to my host sister's wedding when I wasn't even living here. I was here visiting for January of my senior year of college, and she happened to be getting married then, and she invited me and I went. She even sent me an invitation in the U.S. For this reason, and because I've been told by my host parents and especially host mom that they consider me family, I thought I'd be invited to his wedding. Also, I thought I'd be invited because his fiance sent me her codigo de novias, which is a code you can give at the major department stores here so that the couple gets points towards a hotel stay.* I even used the codiga de novias a couple of times. Plus, here in Chile, weddings are known to be GIGANTIC. You invite everyone you've ever talked to plus their uncle. Oh, and not to mention that every time I've visited my host family in the past five months all the talk has been about the wedding. How could they talk about it in front of me and not invite me?
At first I didn't really feel bad about it, but now that the big day is tomorrow, I'm feeling kind of sad and rejected. At first I rationalized that it was maybe going to be a small wedding, so that's why. But it's not a small wedding. I'm friends with a lot of my host brother's friends who will all be going, many of whom probably assume I'll be there. In fact, I owe one of them some money and we were trying to arrange how I could pay him back. He told me I could give it to him tomorrow at the wedding. I had to tell him that I wasn't invited and it all kind of hit me.
So anyway, I'm trying really hard to not have this affect me very much. I still love my host family and I won't hold it against them, but it stings. I also don't feel comfortable bringing it up with them, so I'll never know why.
*To be completely honest, I'm not exactly sure what the etiquette on this is. Maybe in Chile it's considered acceptable to give your codigo de novias to people you aren't inviting to your wedding. However, I feel like it's similar to giving someone in the US your bridal registry then not inviting them to the wedding.
13 comments:
Well, that just stinks! I don't know the etiquette here either, though I think maybe Emily gave me her codigo, or offered to, and I wasn't expecting to be invited to her wedding (and wasn't). Or maybe that was someone else, I actually don't remember.
Anyway, that stinks. I'd feel a little hurt, too. If I get married in Chile (and like you, I'm not prospecty at the moment), you're on the list! Even if my word verification is elump. What are you trying to say?
Te aseguro que ha sido completamente inapropiado y desconsiderado de parte de ellos comentar el asunto, darte el código de novios, considerarte como familia, para no invitarte.
El hecho decisivo es lo del código, desde mi punto de vista, pues casi implica que quien recibe ese código compra regalos para los novios también.
Además, hasta los otros invitados han pensado que estabas invitada, así que no se entiende muy bien qué ha pasado.
Quizás olvidaron hacer la invitación, o enviarla; los novios a veces tienen muchas cosas que hacer y olvidan ciertas cosas.
Yo al menos en tu lugar y "care palo" hablaría con la hermana y en privado le preguntaría si estás o no invitada, total, no se pierde nada, y a cambio, te evitas que por años digan "Ahhh, pero si estábamos seguros que te habíamos enviado la invitación..."
Aw! I just want to give you a hug and say let's plan our own wedding and it will be so much better. No, in all seriousness that must sting a little. I wonder of it was just an oversight? That seems odd.
I'm not sure of etiquette anywhere on the planet, but I'd say you don't fish for gifts without an invitation
Oh no, no, no...that's just all kinds of wrong on your host brother's behalf and his fiancee /soon-to-be-wife.
Here's the thing: are you certain you weren't invited? Dumb question it seems, but when we sent out invitations out via mail, some didn't arrive and we only found out when we called people to ask them if they were going! We felt embarrassed but in the end, how was it our fault? Perhaps something of that nature may have happened?
As for the Codigo de Novios, I'm not sure what the etiquette is either but it seems those codes go out to everyone, regardless of whether they're invited to the wedding or not.
Finally, try to remember that the men in this situation usually have very little to do with the planning and if the fiancee took the reins, he may not be at fault for all things ...
Cheer up ... who wants to go to a dumb wedding when it's so cold anyway?
Oye! SUPER mala onda (quiero usar un garabato pero no quiero)
No hay reglas de etiqueta para el susodicho código de novios hasta donde yo se, algunas de mis amigas lo publican incluso . Ahora poniéndome en tus zapatos también Me sentiría también un poco dolido pero bueno, me cargan las bodas, porque siempre tocan música "del pueblo" como cumbias, regeton (ew) o la música del momento ¬¬
No se que le pasa a algunas personas con eso de publicar el famoso código a los 4 vientos, a mi me carga, se lo enviaría solamente a los invitados.
En fin, siento una terrible lata por ti, pero bueno a lo mejor puedes hacerte otro panorama juntandote con otros amigos, no? entiendo que Santiago es grande (asumiendo que vives ahí) y puedes a lo mejor realizar otra actividad.
Y si te falta acompañante para un proximo matrimonio, me ofrezco humildemente a acompañarte haha XD
Un saludo!
You know what Abby, you should have talked to them. I don´t think something like this happening is possible and I really think there might have been a misunderstanding or a miscommunication. How do you know for sure you weren´t invited? Maybe your invitation got lost or maybe they just forgot to give it to you? Maybe they figured that you knew for sure you were going because you were part of the family. I don´t know...there could be lots of explanations!
I just don´t see how they could not invite you after talking about the wedding infront of you and making you feel like family. I am totally convinced something went wrong and that you were invited! I guess you´ll see after the wedding. Maybe they´ll be like, "Hey Abby! Where were you!?" lol.
Thanks for all your comments! I would say that I'm 85% sure that I simply wasn't invited, due to other "clues" that I didn't mention in the post. But anyway, we'll see after the wedding because at this point, I don't have a dress or a date and it's tonight so even if they called me in five minutes to tell me "oops! you're invited!" I wouldn't go. Also, it's super far away and Andrea, you're totally right, it's going to be COLD. Also, yes, I'm sure it was more the novias fault than anything, but I kind of hoped that my host family had some sort of say in the invitation list and would have remembered me, but oh well.
Good to know about the codigo de novias bit, looks like there's some conflicting information, so maybe she just sent it to everyone regardless of being invited or not.
those codes go out to EVERYONE. i still think its totally rude to personally give out the code though to people who arent invited, but i guess something like posting it on a facebook wall or something is different. regardless, considering how many way extended relatives and friends of parents and such are invited, its really weird your host brother wouldnt invite you, especially if youre in somewhat frequent contact with the family.
BUT at the same time I havent been invited to a single one of my gringa friend's weddings (except, ironically, the two that invited me to the religious ceremony in the US while i was stuck here), and there have been quite a few. I have received personally many of their novia codes, and one even took me with checking out services and venues, only to leave me off the list later. It makes me wonder if 3/4 of the people i would hypothetically invite to a wedding, would probably not do the same
I don't think it's cool and I know a lot of people who wouldn't do that with the codigo de novios, but I've also seen a ton of people who have given their codigo de novios to everyone and their grandma, regardless of inviting them to the wedding or not. So I'm not sure if there is a specific etiquette on this.
Also, congrats on the new job, so exciting!!!
And I never used to be good at calculus.
Can you tell I've been catching up? :)
Yeah, I understand that posting your codigo on your facebook is different. But she sent it to me in an email, and it was a personal email, not a group email.
Lydia, that's rough. Bringing you to see venues then not inviting you? Seriously? That's not cool at all.
Thanks Kyle! I'm really excited about the job and I hope it's as good as I'm expecting it to be. And I honestly can't fathom how I used to be good at calculus. I looked at my notes from that class and understood NOTHING. Not one thing.
Hi.
Something similar happened to me... only he got married in the US while I was in the US and his whole family (my second family) all came to the US. Years after the fact, there were comments of how no one understood why I didn't come or respond, etc. That they had sent an invite, but to an old address it turned out. Sometimes, with family, it is just like you are in the "know" and are invited without saying.
That said, it is possible that he didn't invite you. I have a host brother and I don't know if I will be invited to his wedding (next year). If I were in Chile, more likely. But still, the thought of it hurts because your family is your family... but sometimes not all members are on board as others.
I totally get the feeling icky about it. Boo!
I think the codigo is questionable...some people put it on Facebook in a photo and tag everyone they know, but having sent it to you in a personal e-mail is a bit much. Bringing up the wedding in front of you, if there were other people around, is again insensitive but also not surprising to me a) because it was the big thing in their lives, and I'm sure they were being asked about it/wanting to talk about it and b) most Chileans (people?) aren't exactly famous for thinking of how their actions affect others.
That said, I don't think you should feel too hurt. Until you plan your own wedding, it's hard to realize exactly where cuts have to be made - I know for us even inviting 200 people, there were plenty of people who we would have loved to include (and maybe thought they would be included) who we just couldn't. And from what you've said, you'd invite him to your hypothetical wedding because he's family to people that you consider family, and it would be weird to invite his parents and siblings but not him, whereas to him you're the former host sister who he's not that close with.
I don't think you should talk to him because I don't see anything coming out of that beyond a really awkward conversation, and I think it would be a little rude on your part, even if they were rude with some of the things they did.
Thanks for your comment, Emily. I was hoping you'd chime in. :) You have a good perspective on the whole situation and I'll try to adopt your way of thinking. And you're absolutely right, there's no way I'm going to bring it up with him. I can't even imagine the awkwardness that would bring! Gah. Anyway, thanks for the perspective!
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